Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
