even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
