tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
