my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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