I think I won the penis lottery.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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