I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
