Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
