The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
