so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
