we have pet lesbian snakes
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
