i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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