how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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