it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
