My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
