so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
