I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
