dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
