I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
