ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
