if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
