I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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