her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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