oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
