I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
