mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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