Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I died a long time ago.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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