She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
FUCK WHALES
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
