This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
