God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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