There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
