So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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