Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
bring money and cleavage
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
