My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
