I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
