Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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