Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
