Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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