when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
