You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Randomize
