You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
