My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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