He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The Olympian is in my bed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
