i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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