Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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