Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
