I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
