Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
