At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
