I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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