Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
